Time

 It’s 3:41 am.  Saturday. June 1st 2024.  I’m 4 days post surgery. And in neurology icu.  This place is like the RitZ so no complaints.    Another 60ish% of the beast removed. He aborted the “dig” a little shy of the goal for fear of some neurological issues. I am grateful.   The last few days have been rough pain wise. I had to stay in the dark for 48 hours and now that I can be in the light I can barely tolerate it. It hurts my eyes and gives me a headache. Still no perifial on the left   Chances are better than not that “time”will   not improve the vision issues.  Still I’m glad to have woken from surgery and still be verbal and cognitive (sorta) shit takes a little “time” now.  

There is a John travolta “B” movie I always liked called “A love song for Bobby long”. In the opening scene he talks about time being a thief and this is becoming all too apparent to me now.  I’m fighting for my life so I can possibly have more tim to live, to be with my kids. To be home cooking meals for family and friends. To be together with everyone for holidays but it’s all a little delusional really. Think about it…… who the hell has time?  All we ever do is bitch about how there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done. That’s just how it is, for mostly everyone I know. I’ve sat awake most of tonight having a little pity party mostly because I know sitting in the hospital is not how I want to spend my time. I miss my kids but it’s a bit of a mind fuck because it’s not like I would be able to be with them all anyway because they’re busy, I am busy, and there’s never enough time and how do we even change that? We can’t really. There’s jobs and school and bills to pay and a whole long list of responsibilities. My family has been amazing. Renee has been here from North Carolina, my Addie came home from Oregon. My dad and bonus mom from jersey and I’ll see my nephew and niece from North Carolina later today.   Countless friends and family all making the time and I know it’s not easy. I am so thankful.  Time for sure is a thief.  It just really sucks that with my diagnosis not only is it a thief it’s also an erratic bitch that apparently doesn’t tell time.  So life will be constantly monitoring this beastly brain cancer. It will grow. It will shrink with chemo and radiation. (Hopefully) We will find clinical trials it will grow some more.  There could even be additional surgeries although I have no clue how much more cracking into it I could take!  This could go on for weeks to months to a few years. Possibly longer. I came to the realization that regardless of how long I have much of it will be spent in treatment. In the hospital, in drs offices and sleeping from the exhaustion of it all. It’s all.  So how do you actually live life while trying to stay alive? Hopefully I’ll figure it out.  

I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful day!

With love, sunshine and gratitude always 

Jeanette do