Friday 6/7. The same but so different.

I’ve always been that person that can handle stress.  Just take it on, find the positives, and truly believe all the crap like "this too shall pass" and "it could be worse", blah blah. I said it to Mary yesterday, life flows and you have to just ebb and flow with it. Like everyone else there have been some pretty hard stressful times in my life, my first reaction is always to make sure everyone else is ok. We do that as parents, nothing is about yourself...... it becomes all about these humans you gave life to, thats always how I've felt anyway. I know for sure it’s how I managed to get through some really stressful times, because I just focused on them. So now with facing all this bullshit I am at a total loss on what to do, in as much as I’d love to pour a tequila grapefruit, I also know that too is no longer an option so for the first time in my life I find myself with some pretty bad anxiety and I honestly feel its so bad because I’m unable to process it the way I always have. So much focus and attention is on me and I hate it, I hate not being able to make this better for them, holy crap! I always knew I was a little “take charge” bossy but looks like I’m a bit of a control freak too! And the worst kind! The kind on steroids! Also some things I've always loved aren't ideal anymore so time for some new lighting. If you have been to my home you know I'm all about "mood" lighting: ambient tones, fairy lights, and strings of white lights are here and there all year long. Well now that I cant fucking see I have to make adjustments no big deal but it kind of is because its not "me."  I’m hanging onto what I can though cooking of course! Walks with Soph! Hoping to be up to knocking out some granola next week. Michael is home for a couple of days so the boys and I will do some things. Automatic doors confuse the shit out of me now so stores are an adventure.  Addie spoke to the surgeon yesterday and he said he was hopeful that some of the cognitive/perception issues may still improve as the swelling subsides and I was super happy to hear that because seeing things so differently really fucks with you. Robbie is doing great so I’m so relieved about that! Appointments with the radiation Dr and the neuro/eye Dr next week, still researching clinical trials, still waiting to hear back from Sloan, some tele health appointments set. Not to worry though, I am still holding on to me. I’m still cursing like a truck driver, can still banter with the best of them and I still want to feed everyone!! With love, gratitude and sunshine always, Jeanette.