May 25th post 6. . Living in a bit of a dream

And it’s not necessarily the fucking nightmare you’re thinking. 

First off.      busy day yesterday. Had my last MRI and  Addie had a virtual meeting with a surgeon from Lennox hill who is involved with a trial that actually involves an implant of sorts during the surgery. (Which is in 4 days). His name is Dr Bookvar   He is a leader in clinical trials at Lennox hill Hospital.  It would have meant moving the surgery to Lennox hill and having both surgeons do the tumor resection. After numerous consultations with all involved I made the decision to keep to the original plan for the 29th. Proceeding with this trial prematurely could result in exclusion from others down the road that could be more beneficial for my particular glioblastoma. How incredibly fortunate I am to have this team in my corner?!  I’m trying not to overthink how my head will be cracked open for hours while they try to remove as much as possible but I am confident that I am in the best hands possible.   But wow!  My sweet Adeline!  This amazing daughter of mine is truly a warrior. She is back on the west coast, wrapping up her internship hours and the last of her assignments before receiving her masters in psychology    She is also working at night and all the while researching treatments and doctors and statistics on the diagnosis we are facing as a family.  I call it “survival mode “. I’ve always functioned best in this mode   We’ve been through it, her and I and maybe some day we’ll share that story but this strong badass human that had emerged from inside her I always knew existed.    Family is everything and as far as that goes I am the luckiest woman alive 

My dad’s birthday is Monday  91 trips around the sun for this handsome man  I’m 58 and still call him “daddy” and he still calls me “mishy muffin”   I know this whole situation breaks his heart because like so many of us as parents we want our babies to be ok   He hugged me last week and said “ hunny you haven’t had an easy life “ and to be honest I’m not so sure I agree with him without a doubt there have been some hard times but you deal with it and move on  and in the meantime do what makes you happy and for me it was always being in the kitchen cooking and having a full table to cook for.   The front door was and is still always open and   the kids all knew to just come in and they also knew the first question I would ask was if they were hungry      The floors were dirty and there were shoes everywhere    They played video games to all hours and the girls practiced cheers on the front lawn   It was chaos and I loved it    It truly is magical the conversations around the table at the end of the day and more than anything it made life feel happier  

   So about that “living the dream “ part     Well it’s a beautiful day   Saturday morning of a holiday weekend and I’m sitting outside with my Sophie and Robbie   The clematis Is beginning to bloom      The birds are picking at the Granola I fed them and the stray kitten I’ve been feeding for a few months now keeps popping her head up from under the bushes   This type of morning never happens for me   I’m always too busy working so this is feeling a little like paradise  a gift really and I am beyond grateful  I’m feeling a little bit like Snow White ! And if I decide to dance around on the front lawn I can just blame it on the rumor!!!

I can’t wait to hear all about the markets today!  

Love and sunshine to all! 

Jeanette XO