Thursday 6-13 my little bull

 Today I was supposed to be catching a plane, traveling to Oregon to attend Addie’s graduation. This weekend she will receive her masters degree in social work. I can not even begin to describe how proud I am of her. I suppose as parents we all feel the same as our babies accomplish their goals/dreams but for me, her, us this is something she fought hard for and won. 

Addie was born May  1991. My first born. My only daughter. My Taurus  my little bull.  Offfff she was tough.  I remember when she was little thinking I was glad she was so tough and head strong, even when we locked horns because I was not at all like that as a child. I was always very timid and quite and although at that point I had no idea the journey I would hold her hand through in 2001 on a whim I went to a tattoo artist to have a custom piece drawn up.  I wanted a bull. A little girl looking bull. (Yeah…..don’t come at me. I’m aware bulls are all males) but mine isent).  He drew it up and a week later in 1 7 hour session it was on my back.  I didn’t tell anyone I was going and really had no explanation when asked why the bull   I always knew what it symbolized but I really didn’t give a ahit what any one else thought or if they knew the reason. 

As the years passed and struggles ensued as a mother I faced some of the hardest times in my life.  To be honest it was harder than this brain cancer bullshit.   I’ll tell you this, what Addie fought her way through and survived took amazing courage and strength. The strength of a bull. Throughout those years my life was centered around making sure she knew she was never alone, that no matter what I loved her and how much we all as a family needed her.  I would tell her to just keep fighting.  I knew she had it in her but this badass tough girl turned out to be so much stronger than I ever imagined. No, that’s not true. I always saw it in her.  

So flash forward to my diagnosis and now she’s holding my hand and helping me save my life. She flys in for the first surgery. She flys back to finish her intern hours, her grad school assignments and becomes a research machine for me and my diagnosis. She’s setting up appointments. Finding out about treatments and clinical trials. She’s handing emails and phone calls  , virtually attending Dr appointments locked and loaded with all the right questions that many a doctor has been impressed with. . Filling out paperwork and forms an alliance with Polly to get the best possible information together.  It’s incredible and I am so very lucky. 

I wanted so much to be at her graduation this weekend. I wanted to ugly cry and yell the loudest and I still will and watch it virtually and will plan a party for her next visit but i think for the first time since being diagnosed I’m pretty pissed off and sad. So I will just channel all that crap into how fucking proud I am of my little bull. My girl. My fighter. The strongest human I know. My sweet Adeline. 

Appointments at Columbia today. Riding shotgun with Robbie. Hopefully will get a schedule for the ST101 infusions and the 3rd surgery. Or at least start the process  started  

Have a beautiful day 

With love, sunshine and gratitude always 

Jeanette XO